Conflict coaches and professional mediators like me help people unclutter and untangle conflicts. We know how to step into the puzzle with you and figure out what pieces go where. With the right thoughts, you can do it for yourself, too.

Here are 20 ways to move yourself toward the simple, uncluttered thoughts that will unlock complexity. But don’t read them all now.

Bookmark this list and come back to it as a reference for those times you’re stuck in a conflict situation and need a little guidance and inspiration.

1. Have a centering question you can use when you need it
2. Empty your teacup
3. Shift how you think about conflict
4. De-escalate with genuine listening, not the fake technique-y crap
5. When things heat up, calm yourself
6. Acquaint yourself with your own hot buttons
7. Take the long view
8. Choose to adopt a “mind like water” attitude
9. Refuse to accept the gift of an insult
10. Make peace with the groan zone
11. Avoid the 7 phrases you can’t say in conflict resolution
12. Learn the mediator’s secret for good listening
13. Bring a beginner’s mind to the conversation
14. Separate intention from impact
15. Forget fault, consider contribution instead
16. Don’t offer disingenuous apologies
17. Distinguish acknowledgment from agreement
18. Beware the “tweaking CC”
19. Remove “always” and “never” from your argument vocabulary
20. When you blow it, be patient with yourself

Conflict Zen® by Tammy Lenski is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License. Based on a work at ConfictZen.Lenski.com.