Conflict Zen

You need emotion to negotiate effectively and to make good decisions.  In fact, you need your emotions to make all decisions.

Have you ever heard someone say, “I’m going to make this decision rationally,” as though they could set aside their feelings and allow only logic to guide their decision making?  Well, they can’t, though they may believe they can, because we place high value on rationality and reasoning in our culture.  For years women in the workplace have been challenged, often overtly and sometimes with ridicule, to rely less on emotions and be more logical and rational.

But our “thinking brain” can’t do its job without our “emotional brain.”  Dr. Antonio Damasio, a neuroscientist, studied patients with a type of brain damage that prevents emotional memories from reaching the rational part of their brain (if you like jargon: they had damage to their prefrontal-amygdala circuit, cutting off emotional memories residing in the amygdala from the neocortex).  Though this type of brain damage does not result in a loss of IQ or any cognitive ability, these folks make incredibly poor decisions for themselves—if they can make decisions at all.  Simple acts like making appointments become almost insurmountable.  Damasio first wrote about this research in his well-known 1994 book, Descartes’ Error: Emotion, Reason and the Human Brain, and the body of research has continued to build ever since.

It’s not possible to turn off your emotions and if you could, you’d become a pretty ineffective negotiator and decision-maker.  For women, there’s an added message:  Women’s ways of knowing, which are often associated with empathy and feelings are as important for good negotiating and good decision-making as the objective, thinking ways of knowing often associated with men.

I’m a bit of a geek.  I love technology and gadgets and the web and often start my workday with a quick scan of what’s new out there for folks interested in conflict, resolution and negotiation.  Try these sites for learning, sanity and entertainment:

The martial art Aikido incorporates a number of conflict resolution principles and many have written about the connection between the practice of Aikido and improved dispute resolution skill.  But Body, Mind & Modem [update: site no longer available] is the first website I’ve seen that introduces you to the key principles of Aikido using technology to inform and guide.  There’s a lot to sample on the home page and I particularly recommend scrolling down to “Cool Ki Tricks.”

The recent press about violent video games got me on the web looking for what else is out there.  I haven’t been a gamer since the advent of Asteroids (and even then my 4-year-old nephew beat me consistently), so the search for quality was a challenge for me. I turned up Pax Warrior, which describes itself as an “engaging way to learn history, civics, citizenship, social studies and current events.” It’s still in beta release and is designed for the 14-21 age range.  Using the U.N.’s response to the Rwandan genocide, the game invites students to exercise their individual judgment and decision-making to explore peace, diplomacy and complex decision-making.  It’s getting some good reviews and kudos from peacemakers worldwide.

The Washington Post called Our Family Wizard "an online link to sanity" for families of divorce. Originally designed as a site to help parents with joint custody manage the scheduling complexities of separate households, Our Family Wizard now also serves any family that could benefit from its organizational tools. The website facilitates "interactive family scheduling and information management. It allows you to quickly store and access important family information."  The program’s been around for several years and has begun to be used widely in the divorce mediation process.

On a related note, there’s a new game due for release this month, designed to help the children of divorce.  Earthquake in Zipland has an interactive site clearly aimed at children.  I haven’t seen much in the way of reviews yet but it looks promising.

One of the best little guides to consensus-building is one I bought years ago: On Conflict and Consensus. So I was delighted to learn recently that the author, C.T. Butler, has posted the same material on the web. If you want a nice overview of consensus-based decision-making or want a refresher on formal consensus process, you’ll find this web page easy to navigate and full of gems.

Years ago, a grad school professor implored me and my fellow students to widen our vocabulary for emotions. I can’t recall why it came up but I know she’d be pleased to see the Center for Non-Violent Communication’s Feelings Inventory. If you’re looking for a way to express a feeling and want something more than sadness, anger or frustration, this site will have any feeling you can imagine.

And for a little fun and wisdom at the same time, visit Creative Think.  When you click on the “give me another creative whack” button, you get a randomly generated page with some wisdom on creativity and seeing new possibilities.  I think it’s a real gem.

This article was originally published in my regular column for The Monadnock Ledger.