Conflict Zen

Some time ago I wrote a post on having difficult conversations by email. In it I cautioned about use of the “tweaking CC and I want to repeat that caution for newer readers of this blog.

The tweaking CC is the copying of an email message to someone the sender believes has power over or influence on the recipient. When in the middle of a difficult conversation or negotiation that’s unfolding by email, it’s tempting (and probably all too common practice) to CC a supervisor or colleague—or worse, a large chunk of the workplace community. We may tell ourselves we’re doing it as an “FYI” or for our own protection. The recipient, however, is likely to interpret it as involving an extra person as a way to strong-arm, rattle, or inform on. The tweaking CC raises defensiveness and can escalate the conflict. A tweaking BCC (blind carbon copy) is no better.

Next time you find yourself having a workplace difficult conversation by email, and you’re tempted to CC a boss or team members, stop for a moment. How critical is it that the third person be involved right then? Will the benefits outweigh the potential for escalation? What are you really trying to accomplish with that CC?

When a contentious or complex problem arises, it’s common to want to allay fears, downplay misinformation, side-step values differences, convince others that all will be well, or bring in a speaker or trainer. Too often, these approaches have mixed success because advocates for one point of view tend to have limited credibility with those who have conflicting concerns; or too much is happening behind closed doors, leading to concerns about trust; or the central issues are not fully addressed or important voices feel left out.

Strategic conversations, in which teams or entire workplace communities come together for joint reflection, real dialogue and effective debate, can be a more effective approach in such situations. The type of collaborative inquiry that is at the heart of a strategic conversation helps…

• Focus energy on long-term objectives.
• Capitalize on the power of dialogue to build shared understanding and experience.
• Foster relationships and commitments that are critical to long-term survival and success.
• Show initiative and real interest on the part of organizational leadership.
• Enhance legitimacy and long-term effect of decisions.

Questions about strategic conversations in the workplace? Let me know!

If you’re a hamster, it would be darn helpful to know the snake you’re suddenly sharing a cage with cares more about friendship than food right then. You’d want to figure out how to use that to your advantage (and the snake’s), right? I’ve said in the past that knowing and addressing the other person’s key interests is just plain good negotiating strategy. Now a hamster and snake are driving that point home in a delightful way.

It’s hard to imagine any potential for relationship between a rodent-eating snake and a hamster, but here’s one of those stories that reminds us the universe is full of surprises: Snake Befriends Snack Hamster.

A powerful interest (companionship, apparently, in this instance) can make the expected interest (a fully belly) less important. When you’re negotiating, remember: Don’t underestimate the power of an important interest voiced by the other side.

Conflict Zen® by Tammy Lenski is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License. Based on a work at ConfictZen.Lenski.com.

Have you seen the new King Kong? Did you sit there and think, This is ridiculous! Why am I even watching this? Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a gorilla that size.

I doubt it.

If you did, perhaps the person next to you gave you extra popcorn to keep your outraged sighs and snorts to a minimum. Instead, you probably suspended your disbelief. You can and should do this during conflict, too.

Rebecca Shafir, a speech/language pathologist and author of The Zen of Listening, coined the phrase “get into their movie.” Says Shafir, “In real life, speakers often invite us to get into their movies with comments like, ‘Do you see it my way?’ or ‘Put yourself in my place.’ If we approach a listening opportunity with the same self-abandonment as we do at the movies, think of how much more we stand to gain from those encounters.”

Next time you’re in a disagreement with someone, try to suspend your disbelief for a few minutes. You don’t have to agree with that other perspective, but getting into their movie will help you unlock whatever the dispute is about. You’ll gain some new insight – I guarantee it.

Conflict Zen® by Tammy Lenski is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License. Based on a work at ConfictZen.Lenski.com.

I know the title’s an audacious claim! What if it’s possible? I think it is.

I’ve started reading a great blog by Kirsten Osolind, CEO of re:invention Consulting, a marketing company for women-led businesses. In a post this week, Kirsten proposed the idea of a business stencil, “which provides a framework guide to measurable results, a tool that can be incorporated to design business tasks.” This week’s stencil is about attitude adjustments and Kirsten references The 10-Minute Attitude Adjuster by Jenna Glatzer. Here’s the essence of Glatzer’s idea: “…instead of deciding, ‘I’m going to write a novel today,’ you have to instead decide, ‘I’m going to spend ten minutes today creating something and enjoying myself.’ That’s all. No pressure, and no guilt needed, because it’s only ten minutes.” [Read more...]

If you’re into New Year’s resolutions, then let a conflict resolution expert—and Nobel Prize winner—help you. I’m not referring to me, though I wish I were (especially the Nobel part). Thomas Schelling, winner of the 2005 prize in economic science for “having enhanced our understanding of conflict and cooperation through game-theory analysis,” has some advice that could help you keep your resolutions. In A Nobel Winner Can Help You Keep Your Resolutions, Schelling proposes using some of his prize-winning ideas to manage the internal conflict we experience when we try to change behavior. As noted in the article, “New Year’s resolutions help people cope with some of the most difficult conflicts human beings face.”

Over the years, I’ve been asked to facilitate a lot of companies’ retreats, where a great deal of mission statement creation or updating takes place. The more time passes, the more I find mission statement generating a waste of time. I’m ashamed to have been an instrument in the creation of many of them.

It’s not that I think the concept itself is worthless. It’s that most mission statements I’ve seen–both those I’ve facilitated the creation of and those I’ve wandered by–are watered down, boring, even cryptic. They say a lot about nothing. They’re watered down because the people writing them mistake compromise for collaboration. As a result, it’s pretty darn hard to rally behind most of them.

I decline the request for most of this kind of work these days, unless the organization is ready to do some startling, truly creative and risky work and is willing to creatively engage the kind of important conversations necessary for a great mission statement.

And so I’m delighted that I can now refer organizations I’m declining to a website that can simply generate their mission statement for them. No money, no time, just the click of a button. The mission statements generated are at least as irrelevant as a lot of the ones I see out there. Have some fun at the Dilbert.com Mission Statement Generator.

Copyright © 2007 by Tammy Lenski. All rights reserved.

Last month, I wrote about the price of silence during organizational or interpersonal problems at work. Avoidance of important conflicts or failure to confront a problem can be extremely costly for both the employee and the organization, potentially leading to underground resentment or anxiety, increased insecurity, damaged relationships, and the decline of creativity, motivation and effective decision-making.

I called such silence “the snake under the rug,” referring to a story from organizational systems authority Peter Senge. So how do we let the snake out from under the rug and keep ourselves and our organizations safe and well functioning once the snake’s been released? How do we know when it’s best to speak up and how to do it effectively? [Read more...]