Conflict Zen

Kathy Sierra and her awful experience has been on my mind again lately, after learning that a dear friend has been cruelly and anonymously (what cowardice) harassed via cyberspace.

So when I opened my most recent addition of ACResolution, a magazine for dispute resolution professionals like me, I was encouraged to see that a new website is now gathering voluntary commitments from web denizens who care about respectful and fair treatment of our fellow humans. [Read more...]

Years ago, I ran across material describing three different metaphors for conflict. I wish I could recall the source now (if you know it, please leave me a comment with the information and I’ll credit the source) because the third of those metaphors became a foundation for much of the way I work with folks in conflict situations, particularly in higher ed.

One of the metaphors is very common and the one that often gets people into entrenched situations. The second is currently popular yet has some challenges associated with it as well. The third, not without the limitations any metaphor has, is nevertheless particularly apropos for conflict in academe. [Read more...]

Mediation is a voluntary, private conversation in which a trained professional, serving impartially, helps people talk about their dispute and explore mutually acceptable solutions.

While many people tend to associate mediation with very entrenched conflict or with formal grievances or litigation, proactive institutions are beginning to understand that mediation can serve a purpose before disputes get entrenched and escalated. Here are a few ways I’ve assisted higher ed institutions over the past two decades, first as a dean, then as a mediator and consultant: [Read more...]

The Conflict Resolution Articles Vault is a monthly feature that dips into the archives and shares still-relevant articles from one year ago:

Negotiating Strategically: How to Keep Your Eyes on the Prize: How to avoid one of the most frequent mistakes people make during negotiations.

Conflict Avoidance Reason 1: It Will Hurt the Relationship: The first in a 3-part series exploring reasons people avoid conflict. For the other two articles in the series, scroll to the links beneath the first article. [Read more...]

I start every new term with a “mutual hopes and expectations” exercise for my new mediation grad students. I set aside time in the first class to ask what expectations they have of each other and of me. After giving them some “think time” to draft a short list, I ask them to share the most important expectations from their lists. We usually have a robust and informative discussion out of it.

I then share how we might all best engage the learning experience in my classroom. It’s an invitation, not a list of rules to live and learn by. I don’t use formal classroom ground rules because I have other tools for managing difficult classroom behaviors that arise, borrowed from my mediator’s toolbox. I also want to signal, from day one, that I expect the best from my students, and I believe ground rules imply that I expect problems. [Read more...]

When there’s tension or trouble at work, which do you most want to do: Resolve the dispute or manage the conflict?

They’re not the same thing, though it’s common to use the terms “dispute resolution” and “conflict management” interchangeably. The goals are different and how you approach dealing with them should also be different.

When does it make sense to resolve the dispute? When the workplace dynamics between the co-workers involved are generally sound and communication generally solid, yet this one dispute is getting in the way of an otherwise fine working relationship. The focus of the resolution process is on [Read more...]

My periodic roundups are short lists of links to ideas, and articles that help make relationships stronger, conversations more collaborative, and conflict more constructive.

• Create a welcoming business voicemail greeting with 8 tips from Rohit Rohila.
• Are you addicted to your BlackBerry? Then hop on over to PINK magazine’s Ten BlackBerry Commandments and get some respite from your wired world. [Read more...]

Moving forward, even healing, after a workplace conflict is a little like playing a record with a scratch in it.

The record itself may be shiny and strong and capable of playing beautiful music. Yet it’s easy for the needle to get caught in that one scratch and mar the listening experience that awaits in the rest of the record.

Earlier this week I mediated a dispute between two business partners who haven’t been speaking. Both are smart, good folks caught up in a tense situation they hadn’t anticipated. As I sat with them and helped them navigate their difficult conversation, I found myself musing about how easy it could be for them to slide back into a place of tension after I’m out of the picture. After all, they’d felt frustrated with one another for months and several hours of talk would not suddenly erase it.

How can they play the beautiful music that is their partnership without letting the needle skip over and over that scratch? [Read more...]