When I packed my bags for college, my big sister gave me a book to put in my suitcase. It was beautifully bound and just the right size in my hands.
I carry the book with me still, two decades later. The very first story in Zen Flesh, Zen Bones
Evolution of a conflict resolution blog
24 February 2008 by 3 Comments
In northern New England, my home, February is the last cold gasp of winter before spring’s month heralds renewal. It’s no wonder that every February finds my thoughts circling around direction and renewal of my own. This February is no different, but the result is.
The blog at Lenski.com will be no more.
In its place is a new site and a new direction, for both my writing and my conflict resolution work: ConfictZen.Lenski.com.
A decade in to my private conflict resolution practice, I find myself with a healthy business that gives me the financial latitude to change what I’m doing in order to respond to my own heart and my clients’ evolving interests. And I have clarity I didn’t have before: I have something to offer that’s uniquely me, and speaks to my changing interests and seasoned experiences. I know how to help people really learn, choose and adopt new behaviors that serve them better in conflict. And I know how to address more than just disputes in families and organizations (a mediator’s usual fare)…I know how to work with disputes that have evolved into states of conflict.
Conflict Zen® is the intersection of the threads of my professional life: teacher, professional mediator, executive coach, and writer. It is the place I will offer up simple, mindful practices for keeping your balance and changing your reaction in conflict. It’s a site for anyone who wants to keep their balance better during difficult conversations, including mediators, who make up some of Lenski.com blog readers.
How will your articles and writing change on the new site?
My voice is my voice and will remain a constant. The focus of my articles from here forward, however, will shift. In place of generic conflict resolution tips and strategies, I’ll be offering up approaches and inspiration to help you manage the only thing you really can manage during conflict: yourself. When you change how you dance with your partner, you change the dance.
Why not just change your focus on Lenski.com?
It’s the difference between the fresh start of repainting and rearranging your living room and the fresh start of moving to a new home in a new town. I’ve tweaked, updated and upgraded Lenski.com many times since I first created the site in 1995 and put a blog there in 2002. The look has changed and the audience I write for has changed. But the content focus hasn’t changed much before now.
I want to signal – to you and to myself – that the new work I’m doing is a sea-change in scope.
Why conflict zen?
My writing has always served two masters: You and me. You, in that you have interest in effective conflict resolution in your life, your family, your workplace or business, and/or your community, and it’s what’s drawn you to subscribe to my articles. Me, in that my writing helps me explore ways to frame what works for my current clients so that I can share it even more effectively with future clients.
But I have always puzzled over the paradox of an imperfect human (me) offering up conflict resolution advice to others. It’s important to me that you understand I don’t come to you from the high place of interpersonal perfection, but instead as an equal human in front of you. I happen to know a thing or two about conflict resolution because I’ve spent two decades studying and successfully practicing it in a professional capacity. But I have yearned for a place where I would frame my work as a teacher who is also your co-learner. Conflict Zen® will be that place.
I also wanted to juxtapose two ideas that initially don’t seem connected, but then inspire deeper consideration. And, from my years as a mediator, conflict resolution coach, trainer and professor, I’ve come to believe that what many people really want during conflict is the kind of centered, balanced and intentional reaction that Zen practices teach. It’s not a site about Zen practice, but does draw on a few Zen principles I have found resonate with folks interested in changing their engagement of conflict, regardless of interest in or practice of any faith tradition. You can read more about the idea behind Conflict Zen® at Why Conflict Zen®?
What about subscriptions to Lenski.com articles?
I hope to transfer current subscriptions to the new location automatically in the coming week. If I’m successful with the technical wrangling needed to make that so, you won’t have to do anything to continue to receive my articles (an aside: if any of you reading this are FeedBurner redirect pros willing to give me some tutelage, I’d love to hear from you.
If you’d like to update your subscription yourself, here are the Conflict Zen® email and RSS subscription links:
For those of you who receive new articles via my 10-year-old e-zine (not available to more recent subscribers), you need do nothing; I’ve already made that conversion.
What will happen to Lenski.com?
It will stay right where it is and be converted to a basic informational site about my business, with links to ConfictZen.Lenski.com and my blog for mediators, MakingMediationYourDayJob.com.
Articles posted on Lenski.com, however, will eventually be moved over to the Conflict Zen® site. For the time being you can still access them via the Archives link. When they’re moved, I’ll place a note to that effect on the Archives page. [Update: All articles have now been moved and can be found in the Conflict Zen® Archives.]
I hope you’ll join me over at Conflict Zen® and help me spread the word about both the new blog and the new direction I’m taking with my conflict resolution work. I’m so appreciative of your readership, camaraderie, and contributions to building conversation here at Lenski.com. On to the future,
Conflict Zen® by Tammy Lenski is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License. Based on a work at ConfictZen.Lenski.com.
Think differently about thorny problems
16 February 2008 by
Good mediators and coaches know the power of a simple, elegant question, asked at the right time. Such questions can help unlock a conflict that’s been stuck, transform the impossible into the possible, and shine new light on problem-solving.
So I was intrigued when Chris Bailey tagged me in the Think Different Challenge, a meme working its way around the blogosphere. I rarely participate in memes because I find most of them aren’t relevant to what I write about here, but I think this one is relevant. [Read more...]
Interpersonal conflict and the monkey mind trap
15 February 2008 by 2 Comments
“Monkey mind” is the experience of jumping from thought to thought, like a monkey swinging from branch to branch, lured by yet another piece of fruit even while the piece in his hand is only partially eaten.
The Monkey Mind Habit
In interpersonal conflict, monkey mind is the numbing, confusing chatter in your mind every time you think about the difficult situation at home or work. Your mind jumps from thought to thought, analyzing this and that, worrying about what will happen, replaying who said what and how you reacted, until you find yourself overwhelmed and stuck. [Read more...]
Keynoting on non-violent communication
15 February 2008 by
What are you up to on International Women’s Day, Saturday, March 8?
I’ll be celebrating the annual, global event by keynoting the kickoff to Seacoast Women’s Week in Portsmouth, New Hampshire.
The kickoff event is a benefit for Womenaid Portsmouth, a non-profit providing short-term financial assistance to women and families in need of help. I’ve been invited to talk about Conflict with Compassion: Transforming Difficulty into Dialogue.
Find out more at Womenaid Portsmouth’s Seacoast Women’s Week.
Would love to see you there,
Copyright © 2008 by Tammy Lenski. All rights reserved.
What's your centering question?
14 February 2008 by 7 Comments
What would love do now?
It’s the question I ask when I find myself lost in a difficult conversation, a conversation that seems to be getting more difficult by the moment, a conversation in which I’m reaching up for air but sinking further into the muck.
What would love do now?
It’s the question that I can grab and use to hoist myself up when I feel myself sinking.
What would love do now?
It’s not a question I ask out loud. It’s a question I ask quietly inside my head. [Read more...]
Conflict zen and managing your hot buttons
13 February 2008 by 7 Comments
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone? – James Thurber
Interpersonal conflict triggers
Conflict triggers are your “hot buttons,” the emotional responses set off by the words or actions of others during difficult conversations. While it’s a common expression to say, “He presses my buttons,” or “She’s baiting me,” your hot buttons say more about you than they do the other person.
You feel triggered during conflict when you perceive the other person’s words or actions as threatening to your identity in some way. [Read more...]
How to handle difficult people
12 February 2008 by 5 Comments
There’s a single, powerful and highly effective tool for managing difficult clients (or employees, colleagues and bosses for that matter). For managing difficult people of all ilks, actually.
It’s a deceptively simple tool at first blush, perhaps so simple that you may be tempted to scoff at it. Dismiss it, even. It’s harder to use than it looks, because it takes commitment to master. Once mastered, though, it will be freely at your disposal and you’ll find that it can unlock even the most challenging conversations with difficult people at work. It’s a tool skilled mediators use because we know its power.
Here’s what it takes to master it. Are you up to the challenge? [Read more...]
Get your balance back in the zen room
1 February 2008 by 2 Comments
One way to gather yourself after the stress of a disagreement is to find a peaceful spot to catch your breath and get your feet back under you. Even 10 minutes of calming reflection can make a huge difference in the remainder of your day.
Just make sure you don’t use the time to keep replaying the conflict…that’ll only make things worse because you’ll stay emotionally flooded.
Can’t get away to a place you find peaceful? Try [Read more...]
Conflict zen and the case of the upside down glasses
1 February 2008 by Leave a Comment
In 1896, George Stratton chose to wear a pair of eyeglasses that inverted the world. Everything looked upside down.
Imagine his first few days, trying to navigate an upside-down world. I’m guessing it might have been akin to the way we feel when thrown off balance in a conflict situation: More than a few stumbles and tumbles.
After a few days, [Read more...]
Would you pass Edison's salt test?
1 February 2008 by 4 Comments
A while back I stumbled across this story:
“Thomas Edison is reported to have tested anyone he was thinking about hiring. He would invite them to have a bowl of soup with them. Anyone adding salt without first tasting the soup failed his test. He didn’t want anyone making decisions based upon unfounded assumptions.”
Would you pass Edison’s salt test?
Conflict Zen® by Tammy Lenski is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License. Based on a work at ConfictZen.Lenski.com.
When how? is the wrong question
1 February 2008 by Leave a Comment
Most workplace meetings focus on the practical. We ask roll-up-our-sleeves-and-figure-it-out questions like, How do we get this done? How will we know it’s successful? How do we get that department to change? How do we get them to see it our way?
Sometimes — perhaps more often than not — focus on the tangible is a way of avoiding the harder and much more important questions.
I’ve been re-reading a favorite book, [Read more...]
Beware the conflict replay
1 February 2008 by Leave a Comment
Have you ever been in a disagreement or tough negotiation and couldn’t get it out of your head later? Maybe you kept replaying all or part of it in your mind, or told someone (or several someones) about it. Maybe it stayed with you for days or even weeks. Maybe your frustration, outrage, righteousness or worry were fed by the replays.
Beware. Replaying a dispute for yourself or others carries a price it may not be worth. [Read more...]
Zencards for a new perspective
1 February 2008 by Leave a Comment
The universe was trying to get my attention. First, I saw Daniel Levin’s Zen Cards in my acupuncturist’s office, spread out on the waiting room table. Then a friend emailed me about them, the very next day. And two days later, I saw them in a gift shop. Finally clueing in, I bought them.
I had a class to teach on Interpersonal Conflict a few days later, so I brought the cards with me and used them in a warm-up exercise I came up with on the drive to campus. They were a big hit with my grad students. Said one, “Such a simple idea, but with a rather profound invitation to reflect deeply.” [Read more...]
