Conflict Zen

Keeping your cool in conflict conversation is Habit 3 of the 7 Habits of Conflict Zen®.

When you keep your cool you:

Have easier access to your good interpersonal and communications skills when you need them most. You already have many of the conflict resolution skills needed. But are you able to tap into them when you’re in the conflict groan zone?

Make it easier for the other person to want to stay in conversation with you – creating opportunity for resolution. Some problems are complex enough all on their own. Why add more reasons for the other person to walk (or run!) away?

Increase the likelihood of negotiating well on your own behalf or on behalf of others for whom you’re advocating. A balanced, centered state allows you to keep your wits about you.

Stave off post-conflict regrets caused by bad behavior, poor problem-solving or missed opportunities. Some of the pain of difficult conversations comes after they’re over, when you replay them over and over in your mind, wishing you’d taken a different approach or that the outcome had been different.

Minimize or eliminate the relational debris that high-emotion conflict leaves behind. Debris in the road makes for a bumpy ride into the future together – at home or in business.

5 great ways to keep your cool in conflict

Here are five tips for staying cool as a cucumber during heated moments. If these are new to you, don’t try to incorporate all five at once. Pick one, use it until it feels more comfortable, then incorporate another, and so on.

1. Take a brain break. Take a minimum of 20 minutes to allow the emotional flooding to reside. The key here is to do something else. Don’t use the break to keep replaying the conflict conversation in your head, as that may increase the heat. Examples: Go for a walk and think about your weekend plans. Do the crossword puzzle in today’s paper. Pick something that makes your brain think about anything other than the conflict situation.
2. Neutralize by naming. Naming the behavior that’s contributing to your anger can help take its power away. This is particularly true in difficult negotiations. Example: “When you said you have other candidates who would be happy to accept the job with that salary, it appeared you were suggesting you’re ready to hire someone else instead. I’d hate for a tactic tried in a difficult moment to get in the way of what could be a great partnership here. Wouldn’t you agree?”
3. Set reminders. Reminding yourself of your goals can help re-stabilize you during difficult moments. Write them on 3×5 card and bring the card with you. When you feel yourself heating up, look down at your card and remind yourself what you really want from this conversation. Keep in mind, though, that your goals shouldn’t be contingent on getting the other person to do something. They should long-term: Strengthen this work relationship. Improve customer service in the department. Get a better handle on my workload.
4. Identify the threat. We get angry when we perceive that something important to us is threatened, often something related to our identity. For example, we may feel angry if we believe the other person is challenging our competence, trying to control us, exclude us or question our worth. We can manage our conflict triggers by identifying the threat and reminding ourselves it’s not “all or nothing.” If a boss let’s you know that there’s a part of your job you didn’t handle well, that’s not the same as being incompetent. It means there’s probably work you do well and some you don’t do so well. Don’t get swept away.
5. Create a stopper. Stoppers are mechanisms for reminding yourself to stop doing something. Stoppers might include a note you pin to your bathroom mirror, kind of a “daily reminder.” Or a spot on the back of your hand that you pinch to get your own attention. Or a meditation breathing technique you learned in yoga class. You get the idea. You’ll need to practice using this stopper a number of times before you’ll find it truly effective.

For three more ideas, visit my article, 3 simple tricks to calm down during disagreements.

Looking for even more tips, coaching and ideas for great conflict resolution at work and home? Want to bridge the gap between what you know and what you actually do during negotiations, conflict and other complex problem-solving moments? Sign up for one of my conflict resolution workshop retreats!

Conflict Zen® retreat earlybird registration

Earlybird registration rates for my March Conflict Zen® retreat in southern New Hampshire are available until Feb 26. After Feb 26, regular registration rates will apply. Learn more about the conflict resolution workshop and how to register.

Conflict Zen® by Tammy Lenski is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License. Based on a work at ConfictZen.Lenski.com.

In the 7 Habits of Conflict Zen®, I described conflict zen as “the centered, balanced, intentional response to conflict that most people want. It’s the kind of response the minimizes relational debris, makes you feel good about how you handled it, and exponentially increases creativity for individuals and groups.”

Breaking the bickering habit is one of the ways to move closer to conflict zen in your home and work relationships. And because it takes two to bicker, the bait provided by the other can make breaking the habit a bit harder to pull off.

Breaking the bickering habit is possible with the commitment of one person in a pair or group, and more possible when everyone involved agrees to change the habit together. How do I know? This is one I’ve had to work on in my own life and marriage, and which still trips me up on occasion.

Why we bicker

Psychologists and counselors might answer this differently, but here’s the mediator’s take on bickering:

• We bicker because we’ve avoided having the difficult conversation that’s underlying the squabbling.
• We bicker because a problem in the relationship hasn’t really been attended to sufficiently. And like the snake under the rug, the unaddressed conflict pops out in all sorts of other moments.
• We bicker because we know one primary way to argue: take a position, stick to it, and stick with it over time, like Dr. Seuss’ poor Zax.

Why bickering is a problem

Bickering once in a while isn’t a problem. Bickering regularly is, because:

• Each squabble leaves a few tiny pieces of emotional debris. Over time, quite a pile can build up and the relationship can suffer.
• It can become the way you do conflict, the way you disagree. Patterns are hard to break – not impossible, but much harder when they’re well ingrained.
• It’s harder to leap out of bed with joy for the day ahead when you know that day has too many unpleasant moments waiting to find you.
• It contributes to the conflict spiral, that pattern of escalating frustration and distance that marks a relationship in real trouble.
• It can ruin your day. Your year. Your decade. Who wants to look back on a life filled with bickering as one of the hallmarks of daily existence?

Breaking the bickering habit

The approach I outlined in Kicking the Criticism Habit applies to bickering, too. But because bickering is often a joint habit, it’s best if both of you work on breaking the habit together. Here are some additional pointers:

1. Find and agree on a “pause button” for the conversation. It’s got to be a remark or gesture that both of you know will stop you momentarily, won’t inflame, and you’ve agreed upon in advance. My husband and I use the simple, “Time out.” Either of us can invoke it and both will pause and redirect once it’s been invoked.
2. Center yourselves. Help your mind remember how to respond with love instead of venom or bitterness by answering your own centering question.
3. Take the time to talk out what’s underlying the bickering. Track back what the bickering’s really about and talk out the things that matter instead of squabbling over the things that don’t.

Breaking the bickering habit with a little help

Breaking the bickering habit habit will be a featured topic in my spring Conflict Zen® retreats. If you’re part of a pair that’s stuck in a bickering rut, you can even come to the retreat together (there will be a couples and group discount). Sign up now to be notified of earlybird registration.

Conflict Zen® by Tammy Lenski is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License. Based on a work at ConfictZen.Lenski.com.