I had the chance to learn from over 100 SOBs this past weekend. And true to their SOB-ness, they taught me a lot.
The SOBs were Successful and Outstanding Bloggers and the event was SOBCon ’07. Attendees were all people who think of themselves in some form as “conversation architects” (with a nod to David Armano for the apropos phrase), online, professionally offline or both. These were folks who taught me something new every time they spoke, and folks for whom connection, community and engagement are really important.
I’m still processing what I learned for use in business, but I’m here today to share my favorite take-aways for engaging your most difficult conversations and building connection with those who really matter to you, at work and home:
The anticipation of getting out of your comfort zone is worse than actually doing it. eMom Wendy Piersall shared a story of her most embarrassing moment and it was hysterical. Then she asked us to find someone in the room we hadn’t met yet (that was a challenge, since this was a group of people hell bent on connecting) and share our own embarrassing moment. What came to mind was from my days as a college dean. It was student karaoke night and the student senate leader talked me into bringing my partner, who later became my husband. Karaoke alone is enough to make me break into a sweat (trust me, there’s a reason you’ve never heard me sing), but I made a big mistake in agreeing the students could pick the song I’d do as a duet with Rod. They picked Afternoon Delight. Did I mention I was a dean at a Catholic college and the Bishop was already on my case because we dared to distribute condoms? I’ve talked before about the anticipation of difficult conversations often being far worse than the conversations themselves. Thank you, Wendy.
Your thinking and creativity improves when you get out of your usual space. When I signed up for SOBCon, I had some ambivalence about going to a blogging conference. I looked forward to meeting and learning from some of the great bloggers whose stuff I read all the time, but I think of myself less as a blogger than as a mediator and coach with some ideas to share with clients and the public. I wondered, will this be worth slogging to Chicago and back in two days? In retrospect, my question seems idiotic. It was the best conference I’ve ever attended. The energy, friendship, warmth and incredible willingness to share knowledge and experience left me with dozens of new friends and a jolt of new ideas and energy arriving at just the hectic time of year I need it most. I am reminded that getting out of my usual space (office space, classroom space, client space, relationship space) enabled a new level of creativity and connection. Thank you, Liz, Mike, Terry and everyone who made this conference what it was.
It’s not about getting agreement, it’s about starting a conversation. I didn’t say this, Phil Gerbyshak did. Maybe you’ve read Phil’s book, Make It Great…if so, I can report Phil is the real deal. He happened to be talking about ways to build conversation in blogs when he made that comment, but it applies really well to difficult conversations at work or home. I love the phrase because it’s a great reminder of the best intention you can have when you engage a difficult conversation of your own: Just start a conversation, engage the other person, and create the journey together. Thank you, Phil.
Improv is easier when you’re prepared. It sounds like an oxymoron but isn’t. I wish I could recall who made the initial improv comment (if you were there and do recall, please leave me a comment), but the gist was that improv works well when you’ve got a solid foundation under your feet. I had the chance to talk about it during a break with the talented Christine Kane and she helped me get better clarity. I was reminded of my grad students again, and their assignment to have a difficult conversation, because so many of them talk about how much difference the preparation for the conversation made when they were actually having it. Not because they rehearsed what they wanted to say, but because they got really clear on their intentions and most important goals. In the conversation they could use those intentions as hallmarks and improve the rest. Thank you, Christine…I’ll try not to gush on like the fan I am.
Generosity of spirit is viral. Picture 110 people in a hotel ballroom, all generously sharing business ideas and secrets, building on each other’s creativity, and offering their experience as a gift. I can’t remember the last time I was in a space where that kind of spirit abounded on such a large scale. Conflict tempts us to hold our cards close to our vest, to be cautious, to be stingy with our warmth and spirit. That stinginess begets more of the same. Generosity of spirit is so much easier…all we have to do is make the choice to do it. Thank you, my fellow SOCcon-ers.
Copyright © 2007 by Tammy Lenski. All rights reserved.
I really had a blast. It was great seeing a lot a familiar face there! Glad you could make it.
Tammy:
I was just delighted to meet you Friday at SOBCon ’07. You are one of my favorites among all the awesome people that were there in Chicago.
It was awesome, wasn’t it? Hard to put the feelings into words. Thanks for making the trip!!!
Chris
Excellent takeaways Tammy – I hadn’t heard that improv line before but I sure like it (especially after my MC experience at SOBCon!). I was also quite impressed by the breadth of perspectives that “came to the table” for this conference (that plays right into your comment about getting out of your usual space). Thanks, and see you next year!
Great stuff Tammy. I’m sorry that I didn’t get to meet you there. It was truly a special experience and not only did I/we feel lots of good vibes upon meeting with people we hadn’t before, we surely learned a lot as well about how to improve ourselves and our businesses. Here’s to the next SOBCon!
I swear I’ve gotten nothing done today as all I want to do is go around and read everyone’s SOBCon posts and find pictures to download from the event! This is a great roundup and you’re right – the perception of fear is far worse than actually doing that which we are afraid of! Wonderful insight!
David, I was just on the phone this afternoon with another SOBCon participant and we spent quite a bit of time talking about your presentation…you left us with lots of food for thought.
Chris, it was awesome to meet you too…have you seen the great photo of the two of us on one of the slideshows? I know we’ll keep in touch.
Terry, you’re a natural emcee and I wish I’d had more time to just hang out and chat with you.
Easton, I can’t believe we didn’t get a chance to meet, so I guess we’ll have to make a point of it next year. I love your work.
Wendy, I’m one of those non-moms who’s still a fan of your blog…and now having seen you in action I’m a bigger fan. What energy you have!
Thanks for the conversation and the wonderful kudos Tammy. It was great meeting you at SOBCon too, and I look forward to getting to know you more as blogs go by.
Keep smiling and hugging!
Tammy,
Thank you for your visit and taking the weekend’s reflections a little deeper into your life.
Yup, it was me who referred to the basic rules of improv — accept the offer and move it forward — and that’s what the whole weekend was to me.
What makes one prepared in improv is to practice improvisation. Like your students, they got clear about possible angles and curves and stayed focused on their intention (like, “I am committed to resolving this matter”). The rest is up to the moment.
You, my dear, do amazing work here. I am glad to have discovered you.
Lisa, yes, that was exactly the quote…I was wracking my brain about it because I loved the way it was phrased but couldn’t quite call it back. Accept the offer and move it forward. That’s true for mediation too. Thanks so much for it.
Phil, I thought dispute resolution conferences were full of hugs ’til I went to SOBCon. Now those ADR conferences are looking downright staid…
Very funny Tammy. I also thought help desk people were passionate, and then this group completely blew me out of the water. Whew! Can’t wait for SOBCon08!
Tammy, I’m a bit sad that we didn’t get to sit down and talk. You were on my radar before the weekend. I really wanted the chance to meet you. Yet, I know everything is perfect.
If I can help you in anyway, please don’t hesitate to contact me. My door, phone, inbox, comment box remain always open to you. Perhaps there’s another way we can have that conversation.
Til then…
Phil, maybe SOBCon ’08 needs to come with a warning label: be prepared for hugging.
Dawud, you were on my radar screen too. Let’s connect soon, maybe chat by phone. I’m on the road a lot in the next month, but I’ll phone when I can!
Sure. I’ll email you my contact info tomorrow and just call when you have time.
Tammy,
No one is more disappointed than I am to not have gotten the time to spend with you. You are one special friend and one special person in my book.
This is wonderful. Look at how many are now in both of our worlds. The planet is getting smaller.
Call me when you have a chance.
Liz
Liz, I’m doing a mediation training this week and on the road with a client for much of next, but will call as soon as I can…I really look forward to connecting one on one with you!
Dawud, sounds perfect…I’ll watch for it.
Tammy
It was an amazing conference and you summed it up well. We all risked, not knowing exactly what we were getting into, but, WOW! Did we ever get more than we expected. You are so right. It was the most amazing conference I’ve been to. Well said!
Lorelle, one of the highlights of SOBCon was getting to meet you and listen to your incredible well of wisdom and good questions. You’re like a rock star…I said to Rod later, “Ohmygosh, I met Lorelle!”