Blame is oh so tempting, however. One of the things I’ve noticed that people do when some difficult change hits is to ask, “Why is this happening? It’s got to be someone’s fault.” We don’t want it to be ours, so we find someone else to pin it on: “Oh, it’s Mary’s fault, not mine, so I can feel a bit better about the fix we’re in.” It makes us feel more in control to have a why that’s not us. But finger-pointing has unintended consequences that are worth understanding.

So notes change expert M.J. Ryan in her timely new book, AdaptAbility: How to Survive Change You Didn’t Ask For (amazon affiliate link). When the review copy Ryan sent arrived in the mail, my first reaction was that a book couldn’t be more apropos for the times than this one. It’s written not for those who manage change (they don’t really need yet another book on the topic), but those who are the recipients of major changes – folks who’ve lost jobs, had their work restructured substantially, and are dealing with major financial losses.

With bite-sized chapters that are easily digestible, it’s tempting to just read Ryan’s book, set it down and say to yourself, Oh that was very good. But that would be missing its real power. The right way to consume this book is to read with some writing material next to you. Read a chapter, set the book down, and reflect on what Ryan’s just offered you. And she offers a lot: Ways to think about change that get you out of paralysis, tips for moving past the pain of change that’s smacked you upside the head, and ideas for actions you can take to move yourself forward. It’s not Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm – it’s optimism coupled with habit-changing action.

So what are the consequences of the kind of finger-pointing Ryan described above?

In The Unthinkable: Who Survives When Disaster Strikes – and Why, Amanda Ripley points out that people who tend to survive catastrophes such as fire, flood, bombings, kidnappings, etc., accept what’s happening more quickly and therefore take action faster than others. Blameis one of those human impulses that creates interference with acceptance. You can afford the time or mental energy it takes to lay blame, much less to fight with others who want to point the finger at you. You’ve got more important tasks to attend to. When a tidal wave is about to swamp your boat, it’s not the best idea to fight over who’s responsible for the fact that you’re sitting in a dinghy rather than a battleship. You just need to pull together and row like mad! [emphasis added]

I’ve discussed this very idea before: Survivors abandon rigid and ineffective paradigms that limit their thinking. Ryan would call this “killing your little darlings,” those treasured beliefs that served you well but don’t work for you anymore. If you’ve ever worked with me one-on-one or in workshops, you know this is very much the approach I use for helping people learn new conflict resolution habits. So it’s not really a surprise I’d find Ryan and her book kindred spirits.

Over the years I’ve given out numerous copies of another book on navigating life’s big changes, Transitions: Making Sense of Life’s Changes. Now I’ll be giving out AdaptAbility, too.

If you know someone who’s navigating challenging change waters in their workplace, someone who’s lost their job, or someone who’s life dealt them quite a curveball recently, I highly recommend Ryan’s book as your gift to them. Don’t even wait for the holidays.

Conflict Zen® by Tammy Lenski is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License. Based on a work at ConfictZen.Lenski.com.