What would happen if, after an argument in which you felt attacked, you focused on your sadness about the situation instead of your anger?

That’s what I found myself wondering after reading a summary of “Anger and Sadness Frame How We Respond to a Terrorist Attack,” reported in the April edition of Political Psychology. The study’s author surveyed Americans to find out if their feelings about the 9/11 attacks influenced their thoughts. Indeed they did, she concluded:

The results show that anger evoked casual judgments more frequently than sadness. A focus on anger may lead to a desire for actions against the offenders while a focus on loss or sadness may prompt actions targeting victims, such as healing…Blaming individuals or governments might drive preferences for retaliatory responses, whereas blaming situational factors might drive preferences toward less hostile approaches.

Of course there’s a world of difference between the attacks of 9/11 and the kinds of personal attacks we experience at home and in the workplace. Yet I’m reminded that you can choose where to focus your energy after a personal attack. While it’s tempting to focus on how angry the attack left you, it makes sense that focusing on the sadness of the situation could be much more fruitful for effective conflict management. Anger leaves you blaming and retaliatory, while sadness is more likely to leave you empowered to take fruitful action.

Next time you experience a personal attack, instead of letting your anger run free (“How dare he?”), ask yourself what makes you most sad about the situation (“The rift in our friendship.” “The helplessness I feel.” “The time this is taking from more important things.”). Use what’s evoked by your sadness to focus on what’s really important and what you can do about it.