In How to Let Go of Unresolved Conflict, I shared this Bill Clinton story about Nelson Mandela:
“Mandela made a grand, elegant, dignified exit from prison and it was very, very powerful for the world to see. But as I watched him walking down that dusty road, I wondered whether he was thinking about the last 27 years, whether he was angry all over again. Later, many years later, I had a chance to ask him. I said, ‘Come on, you were a great man, you invited your jailers to your inauguration, you put your pressures on the government. But tell me the truth. Weren’t you really angry all over again?’ And he said, ‘Yes, I was angry. And I was a little afraid. After all I’ve not been free in so long. But,’ he said, ‘when I felt that anger well up inside of me I realized that if I hated them after I got outside that gate then they would still have me.’ And he smiled and said, ‘I wanted to be free so I let it go.’ It was an astonishing moment in my life. It changed me.”
If I hated them after I got outside that gate then they would still have me.
That has to be one of the most powerful comments ever made about the act of forgiveness and the true freedom it offers.
If you’re still carrying anger or resentment about a past conflict with you, or are good at holding grudges but not letting them go, then you might appreciate a recent Mayo Clinic article. In Forgiveness: How to Let Go of Grudges and Bitterness, Mayo Clinic chaplain Dr. Katherine Piderman offers the following benefits of forgiving, found in recent research:
- Lower blood pressure
- Stress reduction
- Less hostility
- Better anger management skills
- Lower heart rate
- Lower risk of alcohol or substance abuse
- Fewer depression symptoms
- Fewer anxiety symptoms
- Reduction in chronic pain
- More friendships
- Healthier relationships
- Greater religious or spiritual well-being
- Improved psychological well-being
The article goes on to answer questions like, What if I’m the one who needs forgiveness? Doesn’t forgiving someone mean you’re forgetting or condoning what happened? How do I know it’s time to try to embrace forgiveness? What if the person I’m forgiving doesn’t change?
© 2008 by Tammy Lenski. Work originally published at ConflictZen.com.
I am looking for reasons to forgive AND reasons to hang on to your anger. My abuse started at Age 2 and continued for life. I need to forgive at least the two most influential people in my life.
Do any of you know the way to forgive and can you tell me whay I have held on to the anger
Hi, Jane -
What you describe must plumb the very depth of your being, I imagine.
One resource that comes immediately to mind is Laura Davis’ book, “I Thought We’d Never Speak Again.” Most reasonably sized bookstores probably have copies in stock. She takes readers on the kind of journey you’re asking about and I hope it’s of some help to you.
This has got to be the most rediculous advice ever. Our whole society is based on the principle of revenge. We call it “justice” so it doesn’t sound as mean an dirty, but bottom line is that we spend copios amounts of time and money to enforce accountability for people’s actions. Letting go for the sake of achieving inner piece will leave you as a prime target for beign victimized throughout your whole life. Even if you do manage to pull a Mandela and “let go”, sure, they do not have you any more, but they still had you for 27 YEARS!!! The score is still jailers – 27, Mandela – 0. He hasn’t done a sinlge thing to make sure they regret what they’ve done, or that they think twice before doing it again. If they could get away with it (let’s say another reighn of Aparthaid comes around for another 27 years), these people would still lock up some poor sap and torture him for another 27 years.
Forgiveness seems like a form of giving up, because your oponent beat you and you’re ultimately surrendering. I don’t see how that can be a positive thing in anyone’s life, let alone relieve a person of stress and depression. I personally get way more depressed when I let someone off the hook for something they’re guilty of.
Ah, Jun, you need my blog and its content more than you’ll probably ever realize. Be well, my friend.