Effective conflict resolution is as much — and probably more — about attitude than it is about action.

Bring the right frame of mind or attitude to your disagreements and you almost can’t help doing and saying more effective things. Bring a problematic attitude, and all the tools and techniques in the world will only get you so far.

Last week, while facilitating a retreat, one member of the group I was working with made this really smart observation:

I think there’s a difference between asking questions and questioning. When I have a questioning attitude, I’m really expressing disbelief, doubt or skepticism about the other person. When I’m asking questions, I’m expressing interest, curiosity, and wanting to learn.

It wasn’t just a wise remark, it was the perfect example of the way attitude makes the difference. Imagine, for instance, that you disagree with a co-worker about a decision they made.

Now imagine you’re disgusted with their decision or suspicious of their motivations. Ask the following question out loud as you read this, in the way you might ask it if you’re expressing disdain, skepticism or distrust:

Why did you decide to do it that way?

Now imagine someone whose motivations you don’t doubt and whose judgment you almost always find on the mark. Imagine they’ve made a decision you disagree with and you’re more interested in understanding their thinking than questioning it. Ask the following question out loud, in the way you might ask it if you’re expressing curiosity or a desire to learn:

Why did you decide to do it that way?

Same question, different attitude. It sounds different in the way it comes out of your mouth, the tone you use, and your inflection. And, most likely, the listener hears it differently, too.

I hasten to add then, even when you do doubt someone’s motivations or are skeptical of their abilities, an attitude of curiosity will always trump an attitude of skepticism. The former creates dialogue, the latter creates defensiveness and escalation.

Do you have other good examples that illustrate the difference between questions and questioning? I’d love to hear them in comments.

Conflict Zen® by Tammy Lenski is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License. Based on a work at ConfictZen.Lenski.com.