Hi,

I have been with my partner for over ten years. Everything is ok until we argue and I know that I am often to blame for this.

My partner was a chairman of the debate team at his school, he is very capable of tearing ‘cold-callers(sales)’ to pieces and I can guarantee a once weekly fight with the bank, telephone company, me etc….

I have a small amount of psychology knowledge so in the past have tried several different strategies for trying to find a common ground once I have realised that ‘there is no going back’ on what has been said and that I am, once again, pinned against the wall (not physically) and the only way out is an apology. You have to understand (sorry that sounds negative and I don’t mean that…err) He is never wrong – when presented with cold facts – they don’t count… the negative in-roads (of shock) don’t work (I’ve drunk a lot, called names, even (i’m so ashamed) tryed to get physical (he can over-power me) nothing halts his stance. Repeated questioning and talking around the facts are more his style…If I say what I think might help in the relationship – I am reminded that he is the breadwinner – despite me being the administrative and domestic side – yes…our business would not survive a short time without me unless I was replaced. Basically, although he is unable to do anything in the house (in fact his sole abilities are to do his work and drive (Driving is the only thing I am unable to do)) I don’t make money.

Various friends have given, without persuasion on my part, their philosophies for his behaviour. Some say he is terribly insecure and others say that he is too frightened of losing me. This is, I’m afraid, probably sounding all a little contrived and obvious (I know that many people will be shouting ‘get the hell out of there’). I am now at the point where I work for him despite us being a partnership – When he wants coffee, I bring him coffee. When he has lost the diary or the phone or his pen (etc) I play fetch…but I’m, tired – No matter how I try and phrase it and no matter how many times I try and discuss it – How dare I be frustrated/angry/impatient – He is making money (for us…).

I no longer have visiting friends because of our curious working schedule. I only have internet friends but despite a good 80% of my work being computer based, if I sit at the computer I am not working.

It’s 3am here in the Uk. I’ve never been a particulary good sleeper anyway but for once, and rarely, he is away for a night and in a lot of ways I don’t want him to return tomorrow. So far in my relationship of ten years he has agrred with me having a point (being right…errrgh) twice. Not during the argument but a good few weeks to a month afterwards. Which means that my feelings are left unsaid until I start to get too tired to hold back. That is when I get argumentative and moody.

Moody is the other negative against me… I prefer quiet, contemplative.

What can I do to turn this around so maybe, just maybe he can understand that I’m not working agaiunst him (although I’m sure the above reads like I am – A little understanding and the right type of communication could help here…really…)

Can somebody help me please?

I just realized you’d linked to my site (sorry it took so long). Thanks so much for the link! I’m flattered that you found my post quote-worthy.

- David

Your point about “Let’s fight about it” invoking laughter is right on the money. The first time I used in a small tiff with my husband, he opened his mouth, closed it, then barked in laughter. Of course then I did too. Talk about diffusing something before it gets messy!

I like your suggested phrase, too. Your comment diffuses not only because you’re telling the other person they have a point, but also because it shows them you’re really listening!

Cheers,
Tammy

Second, I really like the suggestion: “Let’s fight about it.” It kind of makes you laugh and diffuses the situation.

It takes 2 to make a fight, and if one person doesn’t fight, then there’s no fight, right?

Sometimes I’ll say, “You know, you’re right about that. You have a point there.” And that pretty much ends things.

Mark – Creative Journey Cafes last blog post..If You Build It, They Will Come

Hope all is well with you.

My wise man husband likes to ask: “Do you want to be married, or do you want to be right?” For some reason, that statement always makes me laugh. At myself.