A decade ago when I was a college dean, I’d come home at the end of very long days and my guy Rod would ask, “How was your day?”

My days as a dean were rather like giant fire extinguisher days. In fact, when I left the job to found my conflict management practice, my staff gave me a toy fire extinguisher to remember the job. As though I could ever really forget.

So, when R would ask about my day, I’d spend a few minutes running through the list of fire extinguisher moments. It was usually a fairly lengthy list. Do you know the sound effect that represents the teacher’s voice in Charlie Brown television specials? That’s pretty much how I sounded.

R would listen patiently and then begin to try to solve my problems for me. “Have you tried…?” “What if you tried…?” “How about doing this…”

In rather too few moments, we’d be having an annoying little fire extinguisher moment of our own. “I don’t need you to solve these problems for me. I think I and my staff are fully capable, thank you very much.”

One day, R, wise man that he is, said, “Ok. I’m going to stop offering advice unless you ask for it. What do you want from me instead?”

That’s why I’m with this man. He knows how to ask the right question. I considered for a moment, then responded, “I want comforting noises.”

To this day, as I debrief my day (which is usually full of so many confidential mediating or coaching things I can’t tell him much anymore), R leans on the kitchen counter and makes noises. “Oooh…” “Ah!” “Oh boy.” “Uh oh.” “Hmmm.”

All the sympathy, empathy and attention, none of the annoying junk.

What a difference comforting noises make,

Copyright © 2006 by Tammy Lenski. All rights reserved.