Years ago, I had a disagreement with one of my mediation faculty colleagues. No, disagreement is too mild a word. It was an argument, a teeth-gritting, pulse-popping thriller of a clash. It wasn’t loud, but it was vehement.
About what? Who knows. That’s not the memory that was worth tucking away.
The memory that was worth tucking away was the incredible gift my colleague, Alice, gave me later, hours after the argument, when I apologized for my contribution and for the childish way I’d acted with someone I treasure, and when she apologized for what she brought to the event.
“I’m sorry, Alice,” I said. “I feel rotten about how I handled myself. You must be shocked now that you’ve seen my hundred-year storm.”
“No,” said Alice, “I’m not shocked, I’m grateful.”
I’d been staring at the floor when she spoke, and now my head popped up in surprise. “Grateful?” From what planet did this woman come?
Alice said the words I’ll never forget: “Yes. Now I know you truly consider me a friend. You let me see a side of yourself that was unfiltered and raw. Only a friend would do that.”
Alice showed true grace in that moment. Instead of chastising me for hurting our friendship with my anger, she embraced me. It’s a lesson I’ll always hold close to my heart.
It’s tempting to think of a blow-up with a dear friend or loved one as adversity, an instant of serious conflict. It’s not wrong to think of it that way, certainly. But if you think of it as adversity, you’re likely to act as one who must survive it. If you think of it is a gift, as Alice did, I wonder how your reaction would change?
Conflict Zen® by Tammy Lenski is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License. Based on a work at ConfictZen.Lenski.com.
This is my contribution to my buddy Robert Hruzek’s group writing project on adversity.
Conflict Zen® by Tammy Lenski is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License. Based on a work at ConfictZen.Lenski.com.
Wow, what an incredible insight! A wonderful illustration of grace, Tammy! Thanks for sharing it!
Sheesh, makes me feel small and petty for the times I never saw that for myself. But then again, maybe this ol’ dog CAN learn a new trick – or two!
Hey, tip o’ the hat for joining us for WILF this month!
Thanks for stopping by, Robert, and for the inspiration provided by your “adversity” topic. See you in Chi-town next month!
Wow, your colleague not only knew grace does more, she acted on it. A lesson like this is one of a lifetime and we can then embrace it as a tool we use, too! Grace changes so much.
Great point, Robin — she successfully navigated that challenging gap that bridges knowing and doing.
your sharing reminded me of what I always told my kids — I said that we know what the love we have for each other feels like, it’s a constant. Cherished and true. Yet, someday we are going to find that we don’t agree on something, it might be something little or something major – yet no disagreement will ever change the love we have for each other. We just have to remember that in the moment of conflict. This has been a saving grace as they have become young adults.
Karen, that’s such a lovely thought and how wonderful of you to impart that to your children. We met at SOBCon last spring, didn’t we? Will I see you there again this year?
Forgiveness and grace can follow anger between friends, spouses, family. And that’s a very good thing. I have too often shamed myself with a display of hot temper toward the man whom I love and who loves me, and I wish that were not so. But my need for forgiveness also helps me to give forgiveness.
Tammy, I’m in! I’m especially in because at 23 years married, we’re got some undergrowth to clear out too. And the other reason…I have a sneaky feeling another book is getting born…
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Lisa, I’m so glad you came by and will be following my journey at the Reboot. 23 years! I have to say that 20 years have gone by in the blink of an eye and I love my guy more every year.
This comment was originally posted on Conflict Zen