So, you want to get better at your difficult conversations at work or home. Maybe some new conflict management tools will make a difference, right?
Not quite. Formulas, recipes and active listening will only get you so far. I generally believe that most people I meet in my workshops and conflict management coaching already have all or many of the good skills they need to manage conflict well. It’s not so much about building better skills. As with all tools, it’s about what you do with them…how you put them to work.
A few years ago, my Interpersonal Conflict class was just getting underway when Kate, very animated as she came in, raised her hand. “Can I tell a quick story about something that happened to me this morning? I promise it’s relevant to class!” Well, that got my and the students’ attention, particularly since Kate was so electric from the “aha” moment she was about to describe.
This is the story Kate told us: “I got into an argument with my husband this morning. It wasn’t about anything dire, just daily little stuff. I thought to myself, I’ll put my good mediator skills to use and make this conversation go better! So I did all the right things: I reflected back, I asked good questions, I uncovered interests, I reframed. I was so proud of myself!
“But there was one little problem. It was making things worse. The more I did my mediator stuff, the angrier my husband seemed to get. At first I thought he was just reacting pettily because it was clear that I was handling myself so much better than he was handling himself. Then it hit me.
“I was putting my good skills to use for evil purpose! (Picture lots of laughter in the classroom at that.) I was using my good skills, but I was using them with the intent to make him see it my way. And the more I backed my husband into the corner, the harder he worked to get out, the angrier he got, and the more downhill the conversation went.
“It was such a lightbulb moment for me, Tammy. That’s when I finally really got it…that all the good skills in the world are only truly effective when they’re used with the right intention for a particular situation.”
That Kate is one smart person,
Copyright © 2007 by Tammy Lenski. All rights reserved.
Hi Tammy, I love that story and have found it to be true myself. I don’t know if I read it here or in a book but something similar, “When you say or do something with the intention of getting a specific response from the other person, you’re not being honest, you’re being manipulative.” Wow, when I realized how often I was guilty of that, I changed what I did and got much better interactions in the process. I felt as excited as Kate did to find that piece of the communication puzzle.
Linda
Linda, talking of smart people! You not only noticed that you were setting people up for specific responses, but you then deliberately changed your behavior to improve your interactions. You go, girl!
I’m not surprised that you found your interactions improving in the process. Consciously or subconsciously, our antenna tell us when we’re being manipulated or set up, even when it’s for benign purposes. Most of us don’t like it much. So replacing implicit manipulation with true curiosity really changes things. What a gift you’ve given the people you interact with…and yourself.
Stumbled upon your site via Christine Kane’s blog… looks like something I’ll be adding to my list of sites I peruse. I look forward to reading more!
Welcome, Nancy, and thanks for taking the time to leave a comment. It’s always nice to meet a new visitor and reader and I hope our paths will continue to cross.
Tammy. What a great post. As a conflict mediator, this is also a lesson I had to learn. “I will not use my power for evil.” = )
Shama, thanks for visiting and welcome! As I read your note I got an image of Star Wars and a young Darth Vader in my mind…
Tammy: Your site is beautiful! I love the design. Also, I am planning a difficult conversation of my own and the content on your site is very helpful. I enjoyed meeting you at SOBCon07, and hope to see you again next year. Claire
Hey there, Claire, it was great to meet and chat with you at SOBCon! I’m already looking forward to next year too. And speaking of nice sites…I was just over at yours and really enjoyed not just the quality information but also the energizing and fun feel to it, not stuffy and self-important the way some PR blogs are.