What would love do now?
It’s the question I ask when I find myself lost in a difficult conversation, a conversation that seems to be getting more difficult by the moment, a conversation in which I’m reaching up for air but sinking further into the muck.
What would love do now?
It’s the question that I can grab and use to hoist myself up when I feel myself sinking.
What would love do now?
It’s not a question I ask out loud. It’s a question I ask quietly inside my head. It grounds me, reminds my why I care about this conversation and the person across from me. They may be my love, my friend, my client, my neighbor.
What would love do now?
I found this question several years ago in a book by Thomas Moore, Care of the Soul. It’s his question, maybe even someone else’s before him. And it became mine too. When I saw it, I stopped. I knew instantly I had found an important question, one that would guide me.
What’s your question? The question that stops you when you need to stop. Or the question that keeps you in your most important conversations at a time you’d prefer to run. Or the question that centers you when you’ve lost your balance. Do you have your own question?
Conflict Zen® by Tammy Lenski is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License. Based on a work at ConfictZen.Lenski.com.
In the rush of thoughts that flood into my mind when I’m in a difficult conversation, I often ask the very simple question “How do I feel right now?” followed shortly afterwards by “And why do I feel that way?” I’m looking for an answer to the second question which is about me, not about the other person.
So, an answer like “I’m feeling really frustrated because I was expecting this to be an easy interaction and it’s not” is likely to be centering and calming for me. An answer like “I’m feeling really frustrated because Tom’s being so obstructive and pig-headed” would not be centering and calming, since it just supports the blame-game which is so rarely a satisfying route through conflict.
These are great examples of effective centering questions, Newt…you’ve found they work for you, they’re simple and straightforward, and easily memorable. Thanks for sharing them as a way to build onto the conversation here!
Uhmm.. not sure if I’m posting this twice now, something seems to have gone wrong with my comment..
Just wanted to thank you for your posts, they definitely provide food for thought for me.. I’m usually too stressed to step back from an argument at the moment itself.. I do evaluate what went ‘wrong’, why I (over)reacted in a certain way, whenever I find the peace and quiet to sit back and write in my journal… The question ‘how would I like to have reacted’ is a good one to add though!
I’ve added your blog to my reader, hope to be reading more from you!
Ellen
Ellen, it’s great that you take some reflection time after the moment to ask yourself that question…it’s a good one, simple and goes straight to creating learning from the event.
Thanks for stopping by and taking the time to leave comments!
This is a wonderful sight. I found it as I was googling “developing a non-anxious presence” for help with my work as a Christian Minister. My question is, “What’s my goal?”
by “sight” I meant “site.” Although I guess both work
Traci, I love your centering question! Clear, helpful, focused.